It's About Time Someone Asked

(Originally posted March 26, 2010)

Yesterday I was making some last minute
arrangements for my upcoming trip.
I relayed the necessary information
to the pleasant lady on the phone
and she confirmed my reservations.

"Do you have any special needs?" she asked,
catching me in a strange mood.

All I could see is this big
conversation bubble popping out
over my head,
my fingertip touching my chin,
my eyes glancing innocently
toward the heavens
as I pondered the question.

Then my video daydream started...

There I am.
Standing on a podium.
Making a speech.

"Yes! I have special needs!
You better believe it, Buster!"
And I know I speak for all the
women across this great nation
when I voice my list of needy things!"

1. We need a chocolate bar that
is both terrifyingly delicious, 
but also calorie free.


2. We need toilet paper
that replaces itself on the holder.


3. We need carpet that vacuums itself,
floors that never need mopped,
and a house that never gets dusty.


4.We need a vacation every three months
and a mini-nap every day.


5. We need bras that fit,
underwear that doesn't creep up,
and pajamas that are both super comfy 
and sophisticated-ly sexy.


6. We need heels that feel like sneakers,
sneakers that feel like slippers,
and slippers that feel like bare feet.


7. We need to be told we are pretty
even when we look ugly-
that we look thin, even when we are fat,
and that we are funny, even when 
we can't remember the punchline.


8. We need a good hairstyle.
One that won't take $15.73 worth
of product every week to keep it
full, soft, colorful, manageable and shiny.


9. We need to outlaw irons and ironing boards.
It is both an outdated and demeaning act
that has no place in modern society.
(Sorry, Tina!)


10. We need elegant perfume, jewelry
and clothing at discount prices.


11. We need a Big Lots right next door.


12. We need nail polish that dries in a second, 
eyebrows that stay plucked,
and tummy's that stay tucked.


13. We need cars that are fast, cool, economical, and fashionable-
but still large enough to hold every flea market bargain imaginable.


14. We need the secret to a perfect pie crust.


15. We need to be able to buy
Botox in a bag,
boobs in a bottle.
and youth in a pill.

...suddenly the video daydream fades...
The crowd grows small.
Night falls.
I step down from my soap box.
And return to the real world.

I ask you today, ladies-
Do you have special needs?

Let your voice be heard!