Sunday, July 17, 2011

Coffee Talk

In my world, 
there's only one thing worse
than running out of toilet paper-
and that is
running out of coffee.

I will put on a pot of coffee
before I even comb my hair,
find my slippers,
or look outside to see the weather.

I am not really sure what happens
if I go without caffiene any
great length of time-
because I always keep back-up coffee
in the pantry.
For snow-bound days
and forgetfulness 
and all-nighters.

But, this morning, 
as I scraped the last grain of grounds
from my Maxwell House can,
I panicked.

Did I even have reserves left?
Was there any off-brand, generic,
Big Lot brew to even substitute?

Like a bear after honey,
I scoured the cabinets for coffee-
shaking canisters and opening crocks
and digging way back-
past the outdated baking powder
and the petrified garlic salt.

"Whoo-Hoo!" I shouted,
as my eye caught sight of
two small cans of flavored coffee.
It had been a gift years ago-
one of those Christmas packs
of coffee, tea and cocoa.
Luckily, I had the forethought
to store away what hadn't
been used that holiday season.

Even though I had never heard of
Zavida brand Affters coffee,
I was willing to consume anything
that would take the edge off
my ever-increasing homicidal mood.

"What's this?" my husband asked, 
setting his coffee cup down with a
look of nausea. 

"Duh. It's coffee, you silly," I perked up,
not yet tasting mine.

"Where did you scrape it up at?" he puckered,

"Another one of your rummage sale finds?"

"Well, Mr. Smartie Pants- I'll have you know
that it's 100% Arabica coffee, 
roasted and blended in Canada", I advised him.

"Kinda far from Columbia, wouldn't you say?'
he tested me.

"The label says that the flavor 
will go straight to the heart 
with comfort and joy," I read.

"Really?" he said sarcastically,
"And just what flavor is this?"

"Well..." I said, suddenly feeling
rather Lucille Ball-ish,
"I mixed some different kinds together
to have enough for a full pot.
It's Eggnog, Almond, Gingerbread,
and Hazelnut-
with a pinch of Pumpkin Pie
and Peppermint."

"Taste it," he commanded.

"Oh- it can't be that bad!" I scowled.
"Coffee is coffee. 
It's all made from ground beans.
And in this case, a bit of flavoring added."

I put my cup to my lips-
"Smells Pine-Sol...
tastes like...well...ugh...
it's not that bad..."

The drive to town this morning
helped wake me up.

I bought ten pounds of real Colombian coffee.

And when I got home,
I was out of toilet paper.

(Originally posted Jan. 5, 2010)


  1. The last line got me. Still trying to pick myself up off the floor.

  2. So funny. Have to share my status on facebook yesterday morning. I don't like my own coffee so always like it when my husband offers to bring some home...
    From Facebook -
    I didn't make coffee first thing this morning. Jim said he'd stop back by with some after his first service call. Well, what he actually said was that he'd stop back by FOR some. So, when he came back through he was wondering why I didn't make coffee and I was wondering why he didn't bring me a coffee!

  3. One of my first thoughts every morning after I open my eyes is, "Yay! I get to have coffee!" That feeling of euphoria at the thought of morning coffee has never left me.

    We have a fancy coffee machine and all I know how to do is press the button to get my coffee. The other day my hubs was out of town and the automatic read said the machine had to be cleaned before further use. I had no idea how to do that. I looked it up online and it needed special cleaning solution. I had no idea where my hubs kept said solution and since he was in a big business meeting, I didn't think he'd appreciate me interrupting his meeting for my coffee crisis.

    I had my teenager drive up to Starbucks for me after I cried just a little bit.

    And OMG, that coffee sounds nauseating! I mean, I like my coffee flavored, I just don't like it rainbow flavored.

  4. have to have an eye opener coffee. My grandpa yrs ago taught me about coffee, he would pour some out of his cup into his saucer and i would drink out of it, i loved that idea, thought i was really cool, been drinking it ever since, Im like you Rae, minute my feet hit the floor that pot of coffee had better be ready, we bought one all you have to is prepare it night before and pour water in, but id prefer one with a timer on it so you dont have to add the water haha.& wait for water to drip, anyway a day without coffee is bad,made the mistake buying Aldi Coffe,, dont ever do that,,,,,, i can see why Eldon would get confused over that flavor. hahaha cute blog,,,,,,,,,, barb

  5. Thanks for the laugh! I can't begin to tell you how many times my Hubby has combined coffee because we ran out. This post was too funny!
    Blessings, Joanne


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