Hair We Go Again

I had a mullet once.

I don't share that information
with just anyone, you know.
Makes me look like
a moronic hillbilly.

But it wasn't a matter of
bad taste or following a trend.
It was solely the fault
of a bad hairdresser.

I'm here to tell you today
that just because they have
a certificate or diploma
hanging above their shampoo bowl-
doesn't mean they are qualified
to brandish a pair of scissors!

Sometimes it's just a gut feeling
that can save you from the
chopping block, so to speak.

Any beautician with blue hair,
tons of pomade,
or, in fact, a mullet-
simply cannot be trusted.

It seems to me there are a lot
of newly graduated students
who think they are creating
trends in bouffant history-
but, the bottom line is-
they are just screwing around
with sharp tools.

I had a girl cut my hair once
that had her little pinkie nail pierced.

She brandished this tiny chain
with a star hanging from it
that was linked through her fingernail.

Every time she ran her fingers
through my hair,
I cringed.
And when I got home later,
I kept waiting for that little star
to fall out of my head.

And, let's get real folks-
any hair dresser that approaches you
wearing stilettos and a mini skirt
doesn't really care
what your stupid hair looks like anyway.

The problem with giving
your beautician a picture of
what you want-
is that they all seem to have
vision problems.
It never ends up looking
like the photo.

I went in to the beauty shop one day
with a picture of Jennifer Aniston-
and came out looking like
Billy Ray Cyrus.

It took two years
and 730 paper sacks
before it was ever right again.

(Originally posted July 10, 2009)